Since moving to the DC area in 1997, I have publicly professed to a monogamous relationship with one newspaper: the Washington Post.
Every morning I pick her up at the end of my driveway, in plain view of my neighbors. Five days a week she accompanies me in the car on the drive to the train station, where I resist the temptation of not one but two free commuter “express” dailies that two guys are always trying to push upon me. We sit together quietly on the train to and from work. Anyone seeking proof of our intimate relationship need look no further than my fingertips.
It hasn’t always been like this. When I was young, I ran around with several rags. Every day I would read the Philadelphia Bulletin, Daily News and Inquirer. Back then, everything I learned about the pleasure of reading I learned from these three. It was a difficult juggling act, however, and once I moved to North Carolina I decided to go cold turkey, taking up with only the Sunday NY Times, which was a satisfying relationship that usually lasted an entire week.
Although those days of messing around are over and I find myself largely fulfilled by my Post, I have to admit that similar to the former POTUS and Georgia peanut farmer, from time to time I do lust in my heart for another. When I travel by air, both domestically and internationally, I occasionally hook up with Miss USA Today. I feel so much better now that this long-guarded secret is out in the open.
She has the perfect format for cheaters such as I who are fearful of getting caught by the Circulation Manager from the Post—who, undoubtedly, flies in airplanes from time to time—and therefore are looking for a quick read. Most articles start and end on the same page. Most are heavy on description and light on analysis. Each page is crammed with multiple stories. There are even sidebar summaries of the highlights of each of the four sections—Newsline, Moneyline, Sportsline, and Lifeline—for those of us who are particularly worried about who might be looking over our shoulder.
She has other attractive features as well. The publishers liberally use color throughout. Page one always carries a creative graphic that summarizes survey results on a topic of interest under the heading “USA Today Snapshots.” For example, a recent edition shows adult parents’ reporting of “must-have” accessories when on a family driving vacation. A pie chart of the results—a GPS and a DVD player were the leading vote getters at 28% each—is displayed on the front headlight of a car.
Her colorful weather map is stunning with multiple-day forecasts for the largest US cities. During July and August, however, all that burnt orange is a bit garish—kind of like that nightmare I had once about being locked in the University of Texas bookstore for two months. I cannot resist spending a bit more time reading the Sports Section, which in the Spring even publishes rankings and scores of college and high school baseball from around the country!
Every day in Section A there is a half-page summary of news from every state, titled “Across the USA.” These are one-paragraph blurbs of often obscure news items that would normally be buried in the metro or regional section of a major metropolitan newspaper. During my occasional trysts over the years, I have only perused those states where I was a resident at one time in my life—Georgia, North Carolina, Maryland, Pennsylvania, Massachusetts—or where I have spent considerable time—Delaware, District of Columbia, Maine, New Jersey, Texas, Vermont, Virginia. I don’t believe I have ever read anything about the states that I cannot locate on a map—places like Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Montana, and Nebraska.
On my way back from Atlanta this week, however, early in the flight I finished a novel I was working on, and had nothing else to read but my USA Today. Feeling a bit wicked, I decided to read the entries from all 50 states, D.C, and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Now I understand why the paper has no comics. Some of this stuff is so rich that not even Dave Barry could make it up! A sampling from a few states from the Wednesday, July 14th edition, with my opening editorial comments, follows. I swear they are all true.
Obviously, bananas played a central role in this drama.
Ohio: Medina – A truck crash left animal carcasses all over a county road and the driver’s pet monkey stranded atop a utility pole. The State Highway Patrol said the frightened monkey scampered up the pole after the truck, hauling carcasses for a meat-processing plant, flipped over while going into a curve Monday. The driver was unhurt, but the monkey had to be coaxed down.
I guess I won’t be using my brand new pair of paddle flippers this year.
Massachusetts: Orleans – A 15-foot great white shark has been spotted just south of Nauset Beach on Cape Cod. Chatham Harbor Master Stuart Smith said a spotter plane saw the shark Sunday chasing seals into breaking surf. A spokeswoman for the Office of Energy and Environmental Affairs said there is no need to avoid the beach but people should avoid swimming near seals.
Did anyone check the trunk for marshmallows?
Maine: Belfast – A man is facing charges he set a 1982 Mercedes-Benz on fire two weeks ago, then posted photos of the burning vehicle on Facebook. Police said Asgard Gilbert, 36, told officers he saw the car with a “small campfire” in the back seat. Gilbert was arrested Monday on a felony arson charge after police scrutinized surveillance tape from a local store.
What happens in Jefferson City stays in Jefferson City.
Missouri: Jefferson City – State residents soon could have more chances to play bingo. Gov. Nixon, a Democrat, signed a law letting bingo parlors open earlier, close later and offer games twice a week instead of just once. The law also increases the amount of money bingo operators can spend on advertising.
Not yet he isn’t.
D.C.: An investigation into the theft of a Metrobus is still ongoing, but officials said they are already taking steps to enhance security at Metro facilities. William Jackson, 19, was charged with un-authorized use of a vehicle and fleeing an accident after he entered a bus facility Friday in a driver’s uniform, drove off, picked up passengers, then crashed the bus. Jackson is not a Metro employee.
Sounds like a roller derby team to me. I would have gone with “Chips.”
North Dakota: Jamestown – What officials here bill as the world’s largest buffalo statue now has a name. The Buffalo City Tourism Foundation on Tuesday said that Dakota Thunder was the winner of a naming contest of the 26-foot tall, 60-ton bison statue that has stood near Interstate 94 for a half-century. Runners up: Dakota Spirit, Benny, Sir James and Beauford. An official naming ceremony is set for July 24.
Only in Utah
Utah: Salt Lake City – A man claiming to run a religious order is soliciting “ministers” to sign over their assets to his church and take a vow of poverty to avoid paying income taxes, the U.S. Justice Department said. Federal lawyers are seeking a court injunction against the Orem-based operation headed by Kevin Hartshorn, who said he’s unaware of the government’s complaint.
